[personal profile] queenaroo
I don't know what to do when it comes to my boyfriend, David. Where do I even begin with him?

We went to college together, we were in the same art class and sat next to each other. This was about four years ago. I remember thinking he was cute and a bit weird, which I love. I'm pretty fond of strange people. I remember one time in particular, it had been sunny at the start of the day, but by the time college finished, it was raining. I was wearing short and a vest. He gave me his hoodie/jacket thing when I was leaving. It was so sweet.

We didn't hang out or anything, just spent art chatting and stuff.

Fast forward two years, when he starts talking to me on Facebook. We talked lots and lots, every day and I eventually got the nerve to go on Skype to him and we would talk all day on that. He lived 20miles away, so it wasn't like we could meet up whenever.

Eventually he came to hang out with me and we wound up having sex that day. I already knew it was going to happen, I really WANTED it to happen.

We spent a lot of time having sex, playing games and eating Chinese food.

It was pretty awesome.

My problem was that he didn't like to be touched much, he would push me away sometimes or get irritated if I acted too cutesy. He constantly told me that he didn't want a serious relationship, that he just got out of one that ended pretty badly.

At the time, I knew he'd done a lot of drugs and it had messed with his head a bit (quite a bit) but it didn't put me off, I just didn't understand what he was going through but I wanted to help in anyway that I could.

Eventually he broke it off with me, which completely broke my heart. It wasn't a long thing, but I had fallen so damn hard for him. He could be pretty cruel sometimes and unnecessarily nasty, but when he wasn't acting like that, we fit so perfectly together.

We talked every now and then over the next year, he would get upset that I unfriended him on facebook, we would be like, "hey" and "hey" but never really talked properly. I "moved on" and started seeing other people, trying to get over him but it never really happened. I've been through more relationships than I like to admit, but once it's over I tend to just put them away from my head. I can let go of people pretty easily, scarily easily... but with him, it was completely different. I even used to dream that we'd be sneaking about having sex, WHEN I WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I felt so guilty for those dreams, they'd put me in bad moods for days.

Fast forward to a year ago.

I was in a bad, bad place. I lost my job, my home and I was with a guy who David has always referred to as "the barbarian" I don't know why I was with him. He treated me like shit. I started drinking loads, was awful to my parents and my friends and had no regard for anyone. I even wound up starting to mess around with drugs... and I STILL stayed with this guy, because I had no one else and he would fuck with my head, manipulating me to stay with him, only to be treated like shit again and again and again.

He even raped me. I hate saying it, I hate even thinking about it, but he did and I won't ever forget about it, even if barely a soul knows about it. Probably the most disgusting thing that ever happened to me and took me so long to move past it, even now I still find myself thinking about it sometimes.

When I started messing with drugs, David was the one who talked to me all night. Who kept me sane and there and stopped me from hurting myself or running around the house screaming my head off when my dad and brother were asleep in other rooms.

The come downs made me suicidal, I would lie for hours, crying silently, unable to move - literally no strength or energy. I would get hysterical, trying to claw at my face and tear my hair out.

I was so completely alone.

But then David was there.

I soon found out, he hadn't been with anyone else and not only that, but after our brief relationship, he'd locked himself away from the world. He spent almost a year, sitting in his room, not bothering with the world outside - pretty much battling with depression.

I invited him around and we took MDMA together. In fact, we took too much. We both od'ed. I still don't remember that night, only bits and pieces. But the next day, in the evening I woke up to find him gone. I'd slept all day, with my dad and brother constantly trying to wake me up - I couldn't even remember that. All I do remember was waking occasionally, thinking that I was smoking a cigarette, only to have it ash away in seconds and for another to take its place.

I went out searching for him, white as a ghost, shaking and almost falling over. I couldn't find him, I was scared. I went home and cried for most of the night.

He came back the next day and I found out he'd had such a bad time that he'd ran out of the house, took himself to the nearest shop at 6am and told them he needed an ambulance.

He'd spent the day, night and most of the next day there, then had walked to mine - a walk well over two hours long.

I didn't know whether to slap him or hug him when I first saw him.

We went upstairs and he told me all about it, how he was hallucinating the entire time he was in the hospital, how they put him on a detox. Even a year later, he can't sleep most of the time because he starts remembering it. It seriously fucked with his head and I still blame myself to this day because I got the drugs, I said we could handle a gram each.

I thought to smoke some weed, to help chill us out, but it sent him into panic mode. He started freaking out, saying nothing was real, none of it was real, I wasn't real.

I sat with him for an hour, talking to him, calming him down, trying to say all the right things.

Eventually he began to realise that this was real life and that I was real, then all he could say was how amazing I was, how could he have not seen it before, so forth, so forth...

We did MDMA a few more times together, but I stopped abusing drugs in an attempt to take my life and such.

But mostly, we started to have a pretty damn amazing relationship.

We have literally spent the entire year spending every single moment we can talking on facebook, texting, calling, skyping, everything that we can do, including playing games together. Even when I was working, I'd be thinking of him all day.

I stopped seeing my "friends" because they weren't real friends. I only needed David, I didn't need anyone else. He was all I wanted. He was my anchor to reality, the thing that kept me sane and here, that stopped me from killing myself.

We argue a lot, a hell of a lot over stupid stuff. More and more and more and more the past couple of months.

Even though he is not the same person who I first dated, two years ago, he still has a temper and we easily can scream and yell at one another. He can say some pretty spiteful things and has made me cry more times than I can count.

But the good so outweighs the bad. We're wonderful together, we're completely comfortable with one another, we can act however we want, do whatever we want. We have fun and when he laughs or smiles? It's like everything I ever wanted. It's beautiful.

A couple of months ago I started to tell him how much I wanted to move 300 miles away to be with my family. Growing up I was very close to my mum's family. Like insanely close and then when I was about 11 we moved away. We still went to visit when we could, but as I got older and started working, it became harder and harder to do so. I missed them. I wanted to be with them so bad and everything was going wrong where I lived.

We argued constantly about it, he didn't want to move from his family and my parents would be moving the 300miles in a month or two, so I didn't want to be on my own, despite having many problems with my family.

For a change, I wanted to be with my family and support them, rather than being selfish and not making enough effort with him.

Eventually I convinced him to come with me, then on that same day, he got accepted to go to uni.

We argued even more, furiously.

Eventually, I decided to move and he decided to stay.

We're trying long distance but things are getting really, really fucking hard.

Suddenly, I'm being made out to be clingy and annoying, when I'm just acting the exact same way that I always have done with him. He makes out like Skype is annoying and he hates going on it. When we play, he gets mad at me and blames me for everything that goes wrong.

I'm sat there every night, trying not to cry, trying not to pull my hair out

I'm currently living with my aunty p and her three kids and it's killing me.

She never thanks me for babysitting, or cleaning up, doing the washing, hoovering, discipling her kids because she's a single mum and it's obviously a lot for her to have to do.

Instead, she goes on about how I sleep in till 11-1pm, when I can never sleep in her house. Like... at all. None of my family, dad, mum or brother, can sleep in her house. I don't know what it is, we just can't. It's impossible for us.

I have to listen to my aunty l, who is a compulsive liar. Literally, every word out of her mouth is a lie. I'm not joking, honestly, every single thing she says is a lie, she can't help herself. She's so alone and bored, she has no friends and no love, it makes her create fanatasies in her head...

I told david the other day, I can't be away from you like this. I will come with you to uni, we will take the dog and find somewhere together.

Today, after talking to his mum about it and seeing what student accomodation is available for him, it turns out it is impossible.

He had told me we would just pay to get a flat elsewhere, somewhere kind of close to the university, that allows pets.

Nope.

Apparently it's too expensive now, he can't do it. Us being together will just have to wait.

I've been so mad, I have barely spoken to him at all.

His mum has such a say in everything in his life. He makes out to me that he hates being bossed around and that *I* have no right telling him what to do or give my opinion about stuff, but his mum opens his mouth and he just agrees with her to shut her the fuck up.

I used to love her to pieces, but I know all she does is say shit about me now and slag me off. It makes me so mad.

I don't know what to do! I started to cut myself again the other night, after almost a year of not doing and now I feel like it's my only release.

I'm trying so hard to remain positive, but everything is pushing me to the edge once more.

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queenaroo

July 2015

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